One of the Boys
by Rory von Trapp
Summary: A post-ep of sorts for Institutional Memory. CJ reflects on her time in the White House and the men who have changed her life. Vague references to events throughout the series.


**Notes:** This ficlet was actually inspired by the title, which was taken from the Dolly Parton musical _9 to 5_. CJ's character has always been more complex and more difficult for me to explore, so this was fun. I hope you enjoy it. Endless thanks, as always, to my wonderful beta, Jennifer.

___________

CJ Cregg was not one of those women who couldn't handle a good thing when it was standing in front of her.

She had almost become one of those women today, though. Now, lying in Danny's arms, she listens to him breathe and thanks God for Toby's good sense. She had almost pushed Danny away, but Toby hadn't let her. And most importantly, Danny hadn't let her.

Tonight she feels content, she feels safe, for the first time in a long time. She has been more successful than she could have ever hoped to be, but the sacrifices have weighed heavily on her. So many dreams have come true, but she never stopped to consider that after eight long years in the White House, her dreams might have changed. Questions from earlier in the day echo in her mind.

_What do you want?_

_Do you want to work in the White House?_

Tomorrow there will be new complications and new doubts, but tonight there is clarity. She wants to work for Frank Hollis. And more than anything, she wants Danny. He's right, too, though she wouldn't dare say it aloud. She's going to need training. She has no idea what she's doing.

She's good at her job. She's always prided herself on being strong and independent. Although it feels strange to admit it, she's good at being one of the boys, a skill honed after countless frustrating days in a male-dominated workplace. Toby's words linger; she can't escape them in the silence.

_You've spent your whole life working for powerful, demanding men. That's a lot of testosterone in your world._

Her journey had been no different than any other woman's, really. She'd had to work hard, harder than the men that surrounded her, to maintain her credibility. But looking back, she realizes how fortunate she's been to be among these men: the President, Leo, her reporters, and her spin boys.

_Maybe you didn't need to date. You had Josh and Sam and me and 180 reporters flirting with you day in and day out. That's a lot of positive male attention._

These men, each precious to her in his own way, each attached to treasured memories.

Josh, radiating energy with every step. His mouth had gotten him into more trouble than she could have ever imagined possible. He drove her crazy, but she could never stay mad at him for long; a couple of well-placed threats usually deflated his ego. Under that brilliant political mind and infuriating boyish charm, was one of the kindest and strongest souls she had ever known. He was her brother and she was fiercely protective of him.

Sam, the bright-eyed idealist of the group. CJ often marveled at how Sam's innate goodness and integrity could be his greatest weakness, as well as being his greatest strength. He had had such faith in the Bartlet Administration; his hope for the nation and the world shone through in his writing. CJ could recall countless times when his words had invigorated her after one of those days that left you wondering why you even wanted to make the world a better place. And though she tried to push that horrible night in Rosslyn from her mind, she would never forget that his selflessness and sharp reflexes had saved her life.

She still fought back tears every time she thought of Leo McGarry. Their relationship had been rocky at times, but she respected and loved him. He had been a mentor to them all. He had been tough on CJ because he was, above all else, devoted to Jed Bartlet. As Press Secretary, CJ had been the face of the administration, and in protecting the President, Leo's criticism had been harsh and his praise had been rare. Still, CJ never doubted that she had earned his respect and his trust; she had been stunned to discover that Leo had suggested she fill the role of Chief of Staff. She knew her desire to do her job well had as much to do with feeling worthy of Leo's trust as it did with pleasing the President. Leo's sacrifices had been great. He had been the rock in so many of their lives.

She had never felt such utmost respect for and devotion to a person as she did to Jed Bartlet. The President had held on to his integrity with his teeth, fighting to create a legacy he could be proud of. It had certainly been the greatest honor of her life to work for this man. He was the smartest man she had ever known. He had seen great triumph and endured unthinkable tragedy, but he always emerged on the other side as the same kind, brilliant man. His vision for public service was a noble one and he had never lost sight of that.

And then there was Toby. Her relationship with Toby was the most rewarding and the most complicated. She had loved him, still loved him, though not in the way she was now prepared to love Danny. Not anymore. He had hired her to do PR for a congressional candidate whose name she couldn't remember now. His gruff words never scared her, and she knew he respected that, although he'd never say it. She'd fallen in love with him when they were both deliciously sloshed on the losing end of Election Night, completely won over by the idealism under that gruff exterior. He had kissed her soundly that night before whispering, "I love you," in her ear. Then they were forced to go their separate ways. When she'd seen him next her heart leaped until a beaming redhead had turned to face her and he'd introduced the woman as his fiancé.

Then he appeared in Los Angeles, asking her to join another hopeless campaign. She had, ignoring all rational thought, because he was Toby and she trusted him. Because he was her best friend and he asked her to.

______________

She's been working too hard over the past couple of years to notice how fractured her family has become. Sam had been drawn away and crushed by Chuck Webb in the California 47th. Josh had shepherded another dark horse candidate to the White House. She'd felt the sting of betrayal when Toby had confessed to the leak, but in the end, holding on to her anger had done nothing but leave her feeling drained and spent. Leo had been mercilessly snatched from them, another devastating loss in a long line of tragedy. One of the draws of the Santos White House, she knew, was the chance to be reunited with Josh, Sam, and Donna. But she knew it could never be the same. Not without Toby, not without Leo, and certainly not without Jed Bartlet.

Knowing sleep will be unlikely tonight, she quietly and carefully untangles herself from the warm fleece blanket and Danny's arms. She goes into the living room, sits down at her laptop, and ignores the open documents of half-finished memos and the stacks of unread briefing books on the coffee table that are taunting her. Instead she opens a new email and types a message before hitting "send" and going back to bed. She's equal parts terrified and excited about her new life with Danny, and although it's time to move on, CJ Cregg will always be just one of the boys.

In a quiet house in LA, an apartment in DC, and at the Transition Offices of President-Elect Matthew Santos, three men receive identical messages.

_Joshua, Tobus, and Spanky – my spin boys,_

_Still nothing without you._

_Love always,  
CJ_


End file.
